Tips on How to Be Safe this Thanksgiving 

By: Emma Daniels

     This article isn’t going to be about staying away from criminals and murderers this Thanksgiving, but you should do that too. This article is going to be about how to make sure you don’t explode from eating too much, rip your pants, or rip any sort of clothing on your body. So sit back, relax, and prepare your body. So that you can be thankful that you didn’t explode this Thanksgiving.

  • So first, do not, and I mean DO NOT, try to look cute or nice for Thanksgiving. Don’t listen to your parents when they say, “Look nice” or “Wear your nice jeans.” You need to wear sweatpants or any kind of pants with some give to them! Now if you wear leggings, those might slide, but the best kind of pants are maternity pants; those will stretch. Also in case of any ripping, bring extra clothes every time and when I say extra clothes I mean a lot of extra clothes. Be prepared for anything and everything.
  • Be first in line for food. You have to beat out that one cousin, that we all have, who in this article we will call Billy, that literally gets the most of everything and leaves not as much for everyone else, that doesn’t even eat even close to any of the food they got! It’s frustrating when you can’t get as chubby as you desire. Dang it Billy.
  • If you are close to the front or are first in line, watch out for moochers. You never know when your cousin Billy is going to start mooching off your plate without you even seeing it! He be stealing all your mashed potatoes and you won’t even know it! So keep your plate in sight at all times. ALL TIMES.
  • At least sample every piece of food that is there, except for veggies. No one is making you eat those. When sampling try, please just try to make sure that everything on the plate isn’t touching. There is no reason for the stuffing to be getting all kinds of soggy because it’s sitting next to the sweet potatoes. Get a little of everything because one, it’s less for everyone else to have, two, it will keep you from getting beat up by your Grandma, and three, it gives you more of a reason to be wearing those maternity pants.
  • Never give up. When you feel like you just can’t eat anymore, just keep shoveling in the food, because you won’t get to eat like this until next Thanksgiving! That’s not true, because Christmas is right after Thanksgiving and there will be a feast the whole month of December. But just keep eating from Thanksgiving to Christmas. Don’t stop. EVER. Also, by not stopping it will take away food from your cousin Billy, who no one really likes anyways… sorry Billy.
  • If Cousin Billy does end up mooching off your Thanksgiving plate, there is only one solution for that kind of behavior. The solution is to first call the police, but when they say your problem isn’t a “real” problem, just punch Billy square in the face. That will solve your problem till next Thanksgiving and maybe the one after that. Although jail would help more.

Posted by scomegys On 20 November, 2017 at 7:56 AM